Family First: How Caring for My Mom Strengthened Our Bonds

I’m usually a private person, preferring to keep my family matters out of the public eye. However, given my work in senior care, I feel compelled to share my personal experiences, hoping they can resonate with others facing similar challenges.

Olivia and her mom Mdm Tan. 

After my father passed away, my 84-year-old mother chose to live with me, which deepened our bond. But as someone juggling a busy business and family life, I found myself sometimes falling short. One day, my mom mentioned that I hadn’t spoken to her the entire day. Her words were a wake-up call—I realized I wasn’t being the daughter I wanted to be.

Vacation with mom in China

Determined to change, I made a conscious effort to spend more quality time with her, especially during meals. I started putting my phone and laptop aside, sitting down with her, and engaging in conversation. The difference was immediate—I noticed that she was happier and more content simply because I was present and showing that I cared. This small change in my routine had a profound impact on our relationship, reminding me of the importance of making time for the people who matter most.

I’m fortunate to have supportive siblings, even though we live in different countries—Malaysia, Australia and Singapore. Despite the distance, we remain united in our commitment to providing the best care for our mom. I’ve often heard friends talk about conflicts with their siblings, particularly over financial matters, but we’ve managed to avoid these issues by keeping our mother’s well-being at the center of our efforts.

As my mentor, Daisaku Ikeda, often says, “Different flowers bloom in their fullness in different seasons.” This wisdom also applies to siblings; each of us has our own strengths and weaknesses. There’s no need to tally up who does more for our parents. Honest and open dialogue is crucial for maintaining harmony within the family.

For example, siblings who are financially well-off can contribute more financially. Those who have more time can handle paperwork and administrative tasks. If someone is good at financial management, they can take on the role of planning expenses and collecting funds. And, of course, those living with the parents can focus on spending quality time with them.

However, if a sibling sacrifices their career to provide full-time care for elderly parents, it’s important to acknowledge that with a fair monthly salary. Taking this for granted can lead to resentment, but recognizing their effort fosters healthy relationships and a more supportive family dynamic. Sharing this journey has taught me that caregiving, while challenging, can also bring a family closer together when approached with understanding and mutual respect.

In our generation, known as the "sandwich generation," many of us find ourselves squeezed between caring for our children, aging parents, and in-laws. Balancing these responsibilities can be challenging, but there are some suggestions to help manage these dynamics effectively:

1. Communicate Openly: Keep the lines of communication open with your siblings. Regularly update them on your parent's situation, what you are doing to help, what you need, and how they can contribute. It's also important to listen to their concerns and opinions, fostering a collaborative approach to caregiving.

2. Be Specific About Needs: When you need help, be clear and direct without sounding accusatory. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements to avoid conflict. For example, say "I am feeling overwhelmed and could use some help on weekends," instead of "You never help." Clearly state what you need, such as someone to cover weekends or manage your parent's medical bills.

3. Hold Family Meetings: Consider organizing a family meeting via WhatsApp video call or Zoom. Keep the discussions focused on your parent's care and avoid bringing up past arguments or irrelevant topics. The goal is to foster a productive conversation centered on providing the best care possible for your parent. 

I always encourage my customers to do whatever they can while their parents are still with them. It’s important to cherish the time we have and ensure we don’t end up with regrets later, when it's too late to make a difference. The pain of realizing you didn’t do enough can be overwhelming, and no amount of tears can change that.

I also hope that our culture of filial piety—repaying the gratitude we owe to our parents—continues to thrive in the next generation. It’s a value that not only honors our parents but also strengthens the bonds within our families, passing down the importance of care and respect from one generation to the next.

Author: Olivia Quah
Co-founder of iElder.asia